Dear Baby Genevieve,
I wanted to write you on my Birthday to tell you how proud I am of you and how thankful that we had you for a wonderful journey that started with love and will always remain in love. I want to tell your story to honor the life you lived on this earth, the peace and hope you gave our family. We are forever changed by you and we will always remember you because of this.
We knew after the birth of your brother that we wanted you. His life has been such a blessing to us of which we are so grateful; we knew you, too, would also be a blessing. We knew the right time would present itself to start the process. That time was last year when Christopher asked for you. We were at a toy store and he asked for a baby; he picked one out and said he wanted a baby. He then told us with such confidence that he really wanted a baby. We knew what he meant.
Little did we know that when we finally became pregnant with you we would be speaking at your 2 year-old friend, Morgan's, eulogy. Little did we know we also would be writing for your eulogy of the same year. Like Morgan, it was a celebratory message. Though we are so sad you are no longer on this earth with us, we know you are in a beautiful place. Though we don't understand, we do know your life is meaningful.
Like all pregnancies, you showed us bits and pieces of your personality. You were calm, yet you craved sweets. I'll keep fond memories of the many ice cream parlors that caused you to kick in excitement. Anything vanilla and caramel satisfied your cravings. Whenever we listened to the music played by the worship band at church, or played in one of your brother's many weekly music classes, you danced in delight. You shared that special bond with Christopher -- music is such an important part of your life and you loved an eclectic mix of Laurie Berkner, Elmo, Bocelli, Guitar Hero Heavy Metal, Worship, Latin Beat, Mommy's 80's mix, Signing Time, Dancing with the Stars, Leapfrog. When I cried, you moved about to sooth me. Like your brother, morning sickness was minimal with you. You were sweet, sensitive, passionate, humorous, lively, easy. Each unveiling of your humanity made us eager to meet you and share you with the world.
In the summer and fall you loved your brother's schedule -- we wondered if you, too, would be reading music someday. Signing meetups were places of belonging -- would you also learn bilingualism and culture through these friends and Christopher? Would you be fingerspelling and signing with Christopher? Would you learn Spanish-English bilingualism through my side of the family? Would you see the language of numbers and analysis like your Daddy's side of the family, or would you be more artsy like mine -- or both?
Library storytelling hours were also sources of excitement. Would you be reading stories to one another, or asking us to read the same book over and over again? Would your brother be teaching you, or you teaching him, or both? Would you kiss and hug him as many times as he hugged and kissed you while you were in my belly?
How would our holidays look like with a brother and a sister at a table, conversing with one another, saying Grace -- or at our daily saying of nightly prayers that included reflections of our day?
When we knew your gender, the name Genevieve was the only name I wanted for you. It is French, Germanic, and Celtic in origin, meaning 'woman of the people'. It is pronounced JAHN vee EV in French and JEN eh VEEV in English. We wanted a strong name, a leader name that would influence positively the hearts of many. It is the perfect name for you, and like you, the name is beautiful. Your brother was learning to sign and say and fingerspell it. It felt right.
We craved you and looked forward to the day our family would include you in this world.
But, we know now we can't have you in this world.
I go back and forth between two song lyrics throughout my day -- that of Eric Clapton's Tears in Heaven and Watermark's Glory Baby. When I heard both those songs long before I ever gave birth to two children, I cried at each song -- wondering how could anyone ever experience the death of a baby? I now know too well those lyrics first hand:
Tears in Heaven lyrics
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven...
Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way through night and day
Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven...
Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please...begging please
Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven...
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven...
Glory Baby Lyrics:
Glory Baby, You slipped away
As fast as we could say baby, baby
You were growing, what happened Dear,
You disappeared on us baby, baby
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe
Until we're home with you
Until we're home with you
We miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there's a day
When we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away
When we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day
When we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘Til mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little baby, it's hard to understand it
Cause we are hurting, we are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we're stronger people
Through the growing and in knowing
All things work together for our good
And God works his purposes
Just like he said he would
Just like he said he would
I can't imagine Heaven's lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know
All you'll ever know
So, throughout the day I cry but I also breathe moments of peace knowing you send me this gift.
I think back to how hard your body fought to stay with us in this world -- of how we looked forward to feeling and seeing your heartbeat at every ultrasound, especially those of the past 10 weeks. On November 30th, the septic shock we experienced was one that came close to taking both our lives together. It was too much for your little body to survive but I am so proud of your fighter spirit throughout our journey. I'll always be in awe of your life. I'll always treasure the 7 months we shared a body; I'll always be grateful for having the time to hold you in my arms, tracing every feature of your body. You are so beautiful -- sharing almost identical lips, cheeks, forehead, fingers and feet with your brother. I'll cherish those hours I held you with your Daddy. We'll forever feel that peace that a baby can produce. Thank you for letting me experience that. You are my precious daughter.
When we left the hospital today after 9 hard days, it poured hard. But, I thought happy tears from heaven. Then, right away the sun poked through and delivered a rainbow. For me, this was my birthday gift from you. I cried happy tears knowing this.
Genevieve, we will always acknowledge your life and I will always say I have a daughter, though not with us here on earth, in heaven -- a place we'll meet again someday.
I love you forever!
Love,
Mom
